


I Vow an Endless

by ClasseySpanks



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Drugged Cassian, F/M, Fun with Tropes, I thought we needed some trashy tropes, Look you know what you came here for, Possibly dub-con but I try to make it as consenting as one can with this trope, Sex Pollen, Sex pollen slow burn? Why the eff not., Sorry Not Sorry, There are only three stories with this tag in this fandom, There are so many phenomenal and poignant novel length stories for this serious couple, plot? I don't know her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-11-28 00:48:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20957684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClasseySpanks/pseuds/ClasseySpanks
Summary: She should move away, she should raise her hands in preparation to defend herself considering everything that radiated 'abnormal' and 'wrong' about this... but she was absolutely perplexed by the intent expression on Cassian's face.She had seen it only once before in the dark of an imperial elevator, the memory of it hazy with pain and exhaustion.Force, what happened to him?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>   
_Now a soft kiss... Aye, by that kiss, I vow an endless bliss _   
** \- John Keats **   


Jyn rested her head against the wall, taking a moment to catch her breath and let the sunlight warm her skin to burn away the unnatural chill that had settled over it.

_Why did it have to be the Worms and their damp, dark labyrinthian hovels under this skrogging excuse of a city... _

It didn't matter anyway, she supposed. The job was done, the data stick with suspected Alliance double agents was secure with Cassian. Now she just had to make her way back to the spaceport.

Pulling her scarf over her face, she slid into the current of the crowd, flowing with the push of bodies, and taking care to sidle up near taller commuters. It made it easier to change direction and time her steps with theirs to avoid the facial recognition systems on every corner and she suppressed the urge to comm the others. They had been separated during a small skirmish on their way out, each ending up in a tunnel they thought the other had gone.

_They're fine. Cassian told you he and Kay got out with nothing more than superficial injuries._

She frowned, knowing she and Cassian had distinctly different definitions when it came to the word 'superficial'... though if she were honest, it was always in flux depending on whose injuries it was being used to describe. 

_But Kay is with him. And if there is one person possibly more invested than you in his survival, it's that damn droid._

An hour later she found their temporary transport, surprised the engines hadn't yet been primed for their immediate departure and keyed herself in.

She slung her small pack of tools and the heavier of her blasters onto the table in the common area and rolled her shoulder trying to work out the sore spot where the strap had dug into her skin. Belatedly she glanced around, alarmed to see neither Bodhi in the cockpit or Cassian working on his report and instinctively focused on the muffled voices she could hear beneath her feet.

"You specifically instructed me not to," she heard Kay say flatly as she neared the ladder to storage.

"Kay, you need to let me by. I have to-"

"Cassian, you're not well. Please listen to us."

Jyn's neck prickled at the imploring tone of Bodhi's voice, pitched as if trying to soothe a wild animal.

"He is correct. You are showing signs of a sympathomimetic overload and need medical treatment."

There was a string of what she suspected were Festian curses from Cassian as she lowered herself into the storage hold and rounded the crates that concealed the other occupants on the ship.

Jyn had always been adept at reading facial cues. A twitch of an eyelid might be all the warning a person could get before a blaster would be pulled, a crease in a brow the only hint that she could find a sympathetic soul to help when she'd nearly been starving and alone. It was one of the reasons she had trusted Cassian when logic told her she shouldn't. Though an extremely capable spy, the small signs of conflict and concession she had read on his impassive face had made her take a leap and once again _believe_.

But even the most unobservant person could have read how Bodhi deflated in dismay and Cassian relaxed with relief upon seeing her. Kay straightened to his full and considerable height, his weight shifting as if primed to move quickly.

"What is going on?" she asked sharply, her gaze snapping between them. Bodhi's jaw opened and closed silently, his hands lifting uselessly at his side and Kay-

Well, Jyn did not get a chance to look at Kay at all because Cassian had started towards her in brisk strides that almost had her backing up. She should move away, she should raise her hands in preparation to defend herself considering everything that radiated 'abnormal' and 'wrong' about this... but she was absolutely perplexed by the intent expression on Cassian's face.

She had seen it only once before in the dark of an imperial elevator, the memory of it hazy with pain and exhaustion.

_Force, what happened to him?_

Without breaking his step, his hands lifted, sliding under either side of her jaw to tilt it upward as he brought his face down, the motion so fluid Jyn barely registered it until she was caught in its wake, his lips pressed firmly to hers, nose against her cheek and their foreheads touching. Her heart fluttered in her chest and a rush of endorphins flooded her veins causing her mind to do something it had never before.

It went quiet.

Jyn had experienced passionate kisses, a clashing of teeth and tongues with chests heaving, desire fueled by the thrill of survival or a consuming need for a human connection; but it had never been like this, a searing, closed mouth meeting of lips that felt like she was being welcomed home by a lover after a long and painful absence.

Somewhere behind them Bodhi made a slightly strangled sound and Kay whirled a gear in disapproval but Jyn hardly registered their discomfort, her focus on where Cassian's thumbs swept over the skin in front of her ears as he breathed out in a pleased sigh.

She hadn't even noticed she'd wrapped her hands around his wrists until he suddenly pulled away to suck in a gulp of air and stare at her, eyes wide and expression slack.

"Jyn..." he whispered almost fearful as the glassy, fevered sheen of his eyes started to clear. "I'm... I'm sorry."

She blinked waiting for him to step away, almost fascinated that his hands twitched against her jaw as if he meant to move them but was unable to force himself to do so. Slowly, she pulled them down, her hold gentle while she cleared her throat against the confusing emotions that welled up within her.

_Information,_ she thought, shoving down the excitement, affection, and her steadily rising dread. _What I need is information._

"Cassian, I'm not angry. But I need to know what is going on," she said, her voice slow and firm. "Something is not right and I need you to explain."

"During our escape, we were engaged in a brief firefight in one of the laboratories on the lower levels," intoned Kay and his optics narrowed on Cassian though he continued to address Jyn. "A blaster bolt hit one of the processing tanks and Cassian was exposed."

Jyn swallowed. _Drugs_. The White Worms were drug manufacturers in addition to their smuggling and black market dealings. The size of their operation was second only to the Hutts.

"Well?" she asked impatiently, her brows lifting. "What was it?"

Kay's gaze swung to her, his optics dilating in annoyance. "I'm not equipped for complete chemical spectrometry or substance identification but rudimentary analysis indicates serotonin and dopamine agonist as well as uptake inhibitors along with a barrage of synthetic catecholamines. When this is matched against my database of known Worm drug production, the most likely culprit is the drug they call Bliss."

_Bliss. The Orgy Drug. Vitamin Fuck._

Jyn's mind quickly supplied the alternative names she knew, her lips parting in horrified shock. She had seen the drug's effects a few years ago while hired to provide some scan docs to a brothel. The Master of the house, having no scruples or sense of propriety, deemed it acceptable to evaluate her work and exchange payment while actively getting sucked off. The woman servicing him had been writhing between his legs, her hand between her own while the man casually skimmed through Jyn's work on his datapad.

"I assume these will hold up beyond initial scrutiny?" he asked as if this was how he always conducted business. For all she knew, it was, and Jyn refused to allow anything but unimpressed boredom to show on her face, unwilling to give an inch into this grotesque power move.

"The corresponding databases were spliced and altered to reflect the information there. Even threw in a dead relative with docs that would also check out for good measure."

The man's face stretched in a smile that did not touch the blankness of his eyes and he snapped at one of his guards in indication to transfer the remaining pay to Jyn's account. She pulled out her own datapad, ignoring the way the owner looked her over.

"If you ever want to make any real money, I'm always looking for new girls. Its steady pay with food and lodging covered."

"I don't think I'd be to your clientele's liking," she replied cooly as she confirmed the transfer.

"You'd be surprised."

"Then I don't think your clientele would be to mine."

He chuckled at that before gesturing down at the woman who did not seem to notice anyone else in the room. "You don't have to like them. There are ways around that."

Jyn had booked a transport out of town that evening and took great joy in snaking out several hundred more credits from the vile man's account using a backdoor program she had tagged on during the transfer.

_Kriff. Shit. _

_Cassian on Bliss. That explains his sudden interest..._

_Karking. Fuckin'. Hells._

Her hand slipped from where it had been holding his wrist to fall limply at her side, and she took a threatening step towards Kay.

"How much was he exposed to?" she asked through gritted teeth. "How long will it last?"

"I'm not certain. Typically dosing lasts several hours but there is no way of knowing how much he inhaled."

"We should get him medical attention," murmured Bodhi.

"No," barked out Cassian sharply.

"Cassian, you could die-"

"Or I could spill Alliance secrets in my compromised state, causing more deaths than just mine. It is _not_ worth the risk. We head for Hoth. It will either pass or I'll submit to treatment there."

"Hoth is two days away!"

"We don't have a choice, Bodhi!"

Bodhi fumed silently in his corner while Cassian looked determinedly at the floor, refusing to look back at Jyn. Kay was silent again though she could see the flickering of the lights in his eyes that indicated increased processor use, likely searching for an alternative solution. She hated this part of the job, the one that constantly had them weighing the personal safety of the people they cared about against the greater good.

"Fine. No point in wasting any more time then. We'll take off in fifteen." Bodhi pushed passed them and shot up the ladder, his footfalls heavy as he made his way to the cockpit.

"There may be a solution between seeking out medical help and doing nothing," said Kay once Bodhi had settled, and Jyn got the distinct impression the proposal was not one he relished. Cassian seemed to sense a similar foreboding, his head snapping up to look at the droid who shifted until he was facing the Captain fully.

"You started to develop an elevated heart rate and temperature almost immediately after exposure. These continued to steadily rise and were unresponsive to high dose sedatives. There was no improvement until precisely eleven minutes and thirteen seconds ago when they subsided to nearly normal levels during your interaction with Jyn Erso."

"Wait, Kay, st-"

"Prior to this, you were also unreasonable though you have now gained back some of your cognitive functioning. The timing suggests these are all related and logic dictates the safest course would be continued proximity to Jyn until either symptoms resolve or we arrive at Hoth."

Cassian stepped away from them both, his face coloring as he looked at Jyn. "That's... that's..." His gaze jerked back to Kay. "That is not her responsibility and you can't suggest that, Kay. She's not... I'm not..."

He was floundering, his body language and voice taking on an edge of panic that Jyn had never witnessed in him before and it made something clench in her chest to see him this vulnerable. He stopped his stuttering speech, his eyes closing in near anguished frustration.

"Kay? Can you give us a moment?"

Cassian's eyes flew open and he looked at her as if she were insane. "No!"

Fixing him with her most annoyed glare, she folded her arms over her chest. "I just want to talk. Without an audience."

But his head was already shaking and he appeared to be just a second from launching himself at his droid to hold him in place.

"You're not going to hurt me, Cassian, and I can stop you if you try to. You know this."

He swallowed thickly, his eyes meeting hers but he didn't offer any further protest and Kay, taking that as acquiescence, left.

They looked at each other across the expanse of the cargo hold and Jyn felt the weight of everything between them. Despite the brevity of their acquaintance, Jyn already used him as a marker in her life, denoting his significance.

The first was 'Momma and Papa', a gilded era tucked in the corner of her mind that housed her early childhood. After came 'Saw', the time that had shaped the barbed durasteel cage around her person. This was followed by years adrift with no associated name or face to mark it except her own.

And no matter how long she lived, no matter how long it lasted, this chapter of her life would always be 'Cassian' in her mind.

_All things end. So how long will I get to keep you?_

She straightened, trying to choose the right words to express her thoughts. They were not soft people, the both of them children War spat out into scarred adults struggling to form emotional connections and accept physical touch.

And this drug was demanding an awful lot of both in a short time, in less than ideal circumstances, and under obvious duress.

"I will be fine. I'll stay here. Just leave Kay by the hatch."

"Until when?" she asked. "At what heart rate can we intervene? One-forty? One-sixty? I need parameters. Or do you expect us to just let you die?"

He ran his fingers through his hair, again, something she'd never seen him do and she suspected these were all tells he had methodically trained out of himself, each rearing their heads now that his usual layers of protection were stripped away.

"Jyn, I _can'_t ask this of you."

"What if I'm offering?"

His expression twisted in a scowl, reminiscent of their fight on Eadu and he started to pace. "What, Jyn? A literal pity fuck? Do you even know what you're offering?"

Her throat constricted with the thought. Would it really go that far? And would she?

"Pity?" she snorted humorlessly, her eyes tracking his movements as she ignored the swoop of anxiety in her belly. "Not wanting to see you suffer is _not_ pity. Not letting you die in a cargo hold because of some stupid drug is not pity."

"And if it were Bodhi? Would you make him this same offer?" he asked with a venomous edge to his voice, and he flinched against his own words as if he hadn't meant to say them.

Jyn took in a slow, steadying breath to quell the reflexive desire to snap something hateful out in retort. There was nothing Jyn could think of more tortuous for Cassian, a rebel spy, than this loss of control he was experiencing in every facet of his personality. A little vulnerability, a little admission on her part, would go a long way toward leveling the field.

"No," she answered truthfully, her voice and gaze steady, "I would find the nearest brothel and pay for their time under the condition Kay stays in the room to make sure he wouldn't blab any secrets."

Cassian's face flickered with some unrecognized emotion before he looked away.

"That's an option for you as well," she murmured as neutrally as she could though it made her insides twist with a rejection she had no right to, "if you'd prefer."

That seemed to break him and he sighed, stepping back to sit heavily upon a crate where he rested his face in his hands and slowly shook his head. Jyn stepped forward, her boots clicking along the metal grating beneath her feet and sat next to him, the sleeve of her shirt brushing his and she stared at the opposite wall, uncertain if she could have this conversation and maintain eye contact. Though she had lived more in her twenty-two years than most, her expertise was in survival and she felt woefully inept at things of this nature.

"I don't know if you've ever thought about... me and... you... like that before today. And it may be nothing more than the drug and that I'm the only woman on the ship, and that is why you kissed me. But, if it makes a difference, I have thought of you. In that way, before."

She swallowed, part of her wishing she'd just kark it right here and now while another part tried to force more elegant words through her mouth.

_You're the only one I trust like this. I care for you. You are important to me._

-but they wouldn't budge and instead lodged underneath her breast to press like a weight against her.

His response was so softly whispered, she almost missed it.

"I have too."

She let out the breath she had been holding, relief washing over her.

"Jyn... I... I don't know what is going to happen. I don't want this to break... I don't..."

"We'll deal with it as it goes," she replied reassuringly though she still couldn't look at him for longer than a glance," Maybe it is just my proximity. Maybe that'll be enough."

His only response was a derisive, disbelieving scoff.

"I can stop you, Cassian," she repeated and his eyes met hers. "I _will_ stop you... if I want to."

The ship's comm crackled in the air around them, making them both jump.

_Shavit, what is wrong with me._

"Checks complete," said Bodhi, his voice mechanical over the line though most of his anger seemed to have bled out. 

Jyn scraped her teeth over her lower lip before she asked, "Do you need... anything... right now?" and felt her face burn with mortification though she tried to keep her expression neutral, but Cassian still hadn't looked up from the spot on the floor that had fascinated him.

"I'm alright, for now."

"You will let me know, though, right?"

He nodded jerkily before getting up and quickly ascended the ladder. Jyn wrapped her fist in the cargo netting at her side as the ship lurched into the atmosphere, noting that Cassian's footsteps had followed Bodhi, likely to his usual co-pilot seat.

She let out a shaky breath and rested her head back against the metal framing until her heart calmed. Deciding to hit the sonic and start on her own report, she was confident Kay would let her know if there were any issues. In the meantime, she would give him, and herself, space... however temporary that reprieve might turn out to be.


	2. Chapter 2

She had dressed and sat down at the small desk to start her account when she heard the heavy footfalls of Kay just outside the door. Jyn looked up as it opened to see the droid pull Cassian by his shirt into the frame and release him. Cassian, who was glaring fiercely at Kay, froze in place when he finally looked at her, his weight swaying slightly forwards then back. There was some color high on the sharp lines of his cheeks and his eyes reflected back the dim light of the bunk room.

_Fevered._

She set her datapad onto the desktop gently, but the soft click jarred him out of his daze and he moved in and to the side, pressing his back into the wall while the door closed.

"Cassian, are you alright?"

His jaw flexed and his lips quirked briefly in a wry smile. "This is better."

"What is?"

"Being in the room."

Jyn looked him over and frowned before rising from her seat, taking in his tense frame and how he seemed poised to run, though towards or away, she wasn't sure. He didn't move as she approached but his eyes tracked her every step.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I tried to stay away."

"It's alright."

Slowly, she reached out and pressed her fingers to one of his wrists. His pulse thrummed just under his burning skin, the tempo reminding her of the rapid-fire of Baze's gun. He was still staring at her when she looked up, and she felt a tremor pass through the arm in her grip.

"Cassian, would it help if I were closer?"

He didn't answer for a long moment, then his eyes closed, his chin dropping in a small nod. She moved cautiously, giving him time to stop her as her hands rested on his shoulders. The muscles beneath her fingers were coiled tight, but then like a switch being flipped, he responded fully, his arms encircling her to pull her up and flush to him. The bridge of his nose turned into her hair and his fingers curled against her shoulders and side, not so much desperate as relieved, Her body lifted with his as he breathed her in, deep pulls of air that slowed the unsteady thud of his heart she could feel even in her own chest.

"It is getting stronger," he muttered into her hair. "I can't tell what is in my head or what I'm saying out loud anymore." The muscles of his neck corded then relaxed. "My thoughts... I'll say something that will upset you."

She blinked, her face starting to burn as she imagined some of the thoughts he feared would offend her.

"I don't speak Festian," she replied abruptly.

He pulled back from her, his eyes searching.

"Whatever you're thinking, just do it in your language. This way, even if you say it, it'll stay with you."

The softening of his eyes made her tilt her face back into his shoulder, finding it easier to continue with the buffer of his shirt to muffle her voice. "I do ask, though, that you tell me, in basic, if there is something you need or want, so I can decide."

The stubble of his cheek shifted the short hairs at her temple as he nodded and his arms tightened around her, making her roll up on her toes.

Jyn gave herself a moment to really feel both the anxiety and the thrill of the situation, a small tremor passing through her body before relaxing into his hold and allowing him to take more of her weight. It felt like surrender, not to Cassian, but to herself.

One of his hands shifted up, his fingers resting lightly on the bun at the nape of her neck.

"May I?"

She nearly wanted to laugh -leave it to Cassian to be polite with Bliss coursing through his veins- but she just hid a smile into his shirt and nodded. He quickly found the pins holding it in place, sliding them smoothly free and dropping them with a carelessness that was so unlike himself. Her hair uncoiled from its knot and her breath came up short when she felt his fingers card through the waves.

"Is this alright?" he murmured, turning his face again into her hair, and his voice dripped down her spine.

A thought skittered across her mind...

_I wish this were real._

She shoved it quickly away while humming her confirmation. No sooner had the sound left her when his fingers started to massage at her scalp and Jyn was taken aback with how _good_ it felt. She had a vague flicker of a memory, of her mother brushing her hair into a plait, the bristles of the brush soothing and rhythmic. No one had done anything of the like since, though it was not as if she would have trusted them to do so... there was a reason she kept it tied back without a tail. Free hair was a liability in a fight.

But instead of setting off her defenses, his touch was both so innocuous and yet intimate, she just melted against him further, her face turning into the curve where his shoulder met his neck. He smelled of leather, the burn of a soldering iron, and caf, the combination immediately making her think of warm brown eyes and small, but genuine smiles.

_I want this to be real._

"Se siente como si nunca pudiera dejarte ir."

He'd never spoken his language around her before but the way the sounds blended and rolled almost musically somehow fit the rigid captain. She fought the instinct to ask him the meaning and pulled away to find his eyes were more focused than they had been on his arrival.

"Better?" she asked making a bit of a show of looking him over as clinically as she could.

"Yes."

His voice was low and rough and she swallowed thickly before stepping out of the circle of his arms, ignoring how his fingers dragged along her skin before falling away. Her datapad lay abandoned on the table and she practically lunged at it as a distraction, busying herself with putting it away along with the rest of her belongings. She could ignore the way her heart raced and her skin buzzed.

It was much harder to ignore how his eyes followed her around the room.

She had felt the weight of Cassian's gaze on her before, from the very beginning really, but it had always been an ephemeral thing, gone every time she looked back for confirmation. This was open observation and yet it wasn't leering. More 'appreciative', 'proud' even, if she had to give it a descriptor.

With an assessing glance over her shoulder, she surmised he seemed more relaxed than he did when he first entered the room, the tense lines of his face absent and he appeared younger. Though handsome by anyone's definition, his work kept a pall over him that aged him. She suspected many who had gleaned her own age had thought the same of her.

She considered sitting in the lone desk chair but it felt like closing herself off, locking herself on a small island so instead, she perched on the edge of the desk and slid back, letting her socked feet swing in feigned casualness.

"Will you tell me about Fest?" she asked, the words out her mouth before she really knew what she was saying and she stiffened, uncertain of what his reaction would be. "I've never been," she continued, trying to give reason to her inquiry.

His brows lifted in surprise and he straightened. "I haven't been there since I left..." he paused, a flicker of a shadow passing over him, "And I never saw much of it beyond my home. It was up in the mountains, a mining village. I remember snow so high, there would be shifts to move it during the heavy season all day and night."

"How would you get around in such a place? Tauntauns, like on Hoth?"

He shook his head. "Hoth is mostly flat but Fest is nothing but peaks and valleys, the latter of which flood into fearsome rivers in the light season." His arms folded over his chest as he pushed off the wall and his eyes lit up though they had gone distant. "We rode the mountains themselves."

Jyn's head tilted in question and he smiled, a soft crooked thing. "My people have always used esquís made from Falsolm wood to travel. It seems antiquated, I know, to strap planks of wood to one's feet and go hurtling down a mountain but..." he looked up at her and smiled, full and open, "it was like flying without a ship."

"Who taught you?"

His jaw worked for a moment but the light didn't dim from his eyes. "My father showed me how to craft my own but my sister, Camile, taught me to ride." He stepped around the desk chair and nearer Jyn. "She was brilliant at it. I could never keep up." His voice softened and his brow furrowed in disbelief. "I still remember."

She smiled and withdrew her crystal to fidget with it in her fingers. "Lah'mu had mountains but I never went up them. They weren't tall enough to gather snow so they were just these black, monstrous things that pierced the sky all around our farm."

"Black?"

"Dormant volcanoes. The whole planet was black and green with grey skies."

He watched where her fingers caressed the crystal and stepped close enough that her knees nearly brushed where his shirt tucked into his pants. With her on the desk, he now had only an inch or two on her in height. His eyes had turned glassy again and at this distance she could see his chest rise and fall beneath his jacket. "Jyn?"

"Yes?"

She should have been ashamed of the breathy weakness of her voice, should have been angry at how she sounded like a _shutta_ pretending to be chaste, and yet she couldn't quite seem to care.

"Can I kiss you?"

Her head had barely dropped in confirmation before he was leaning forward and down, his palms going to rest on the table beside her thighs and his lips against hers. It was softer than the last time, just a brush before meeting again, him taking her lower one between his own with a small tug. Warmth pooled low and deep in her abdomen and it was she who pushed up and opened her mouth, making a gentle sweep of her tongue into his.

She felt his hands fist against the table, the lightest scrape of his thumbs against the cloth of her pants. He broke away and touched his forehead to hers, his voice rolling over her in a rapid wave as he spoke. "Te llamó polvo de estrellas pero eso está mal. Tu no parpadea y se desvanece. Estás ardiendo y cegando, el corazón de un sol."

When he had first expressed fear that he would upset her with his words, she figured it was due to intrusive, vulgar thoughts brought on by the drug. But this, the soft words spoken in the space between them, sounded more like an offering, a confession. It sounded beautiful and she chastised herself for her earlier assumption. She should have known that Cassian, quiet, reserved Cassian whose eyes burned with passion only when he allowed it, was only ever truly concerned with revealing truths. It gave her hope.

And, _Force_, how she wished she knew what he was saying. But even more than that, as his hands fisted again on the table and his arms practically vibrated with tension, she wished...

"You can touch me, Cassian. If you want."

His breath rushed out between them, his hands sliding over her thighs to grip her hips and pull her in, and her legs spread to a allow him closer, the inside of her thighs bracketing his narrow hips.

"No hay nada que quiera más."

This time the kiss was fierce and deep, and she swallowed a gasp when his hands worked under her loose shirt, his fingertips skimming along the skin at her waistline. They were closer, but still not close enough... Her back arched to mold herself further against him, but she drew away when there was a sharp point digging into her chest. She stuck her hand into his jacket and pulled out the override pick he kept in the inner pocket. Cassian's look of apology was almost comical and Jyn thought she would miss this, the ease at which he expressed himself, when the drug finally burned away.

But until then...

The pick dropped from her fingers, clattering forgotten onto the desktop. Hands on her waist, he backed up just enough to let her down, a long drag of her body against his until her feet touched the ground. She often forgot how much taller he was than her.

_That is because he stoops when he is standing close to you... and he always stands close._

Then he leaned into her again, this time backing her towards the bunk as his face buried into the curve of her neck to kiss a path to just behind her ear. Jyn's hands fisted into his shirt to keep them from shaking, a chant running through her head and rising like a tide.

_This is real. This is real. This is real._

Cassian paused when her calves touched the bedding, the hands at her waist flexing and releasing over and over again while his chest shuddered underneath her hands.

"I won't..." he began, before swallowing and starting again, "I'm not asking... I just..."

_Please let this be real._

"What do you need?"

His breath came out shaky against her neck. "Lie with me. Let me touch you. I won't go further, I swear."

Jyn's heart was racing as fast as his, the wild thing rising up repeatedly under her fingers.

_Oh, but what if I want you to?_

She leaned away and she felt him sigh, a reluctant, defeated thing and his grip fell away.

What he failed to notice was that her hands were still in his shirt and a leg had snaked around his ankle. 

And this time, when he made a face, she did laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little disclaimer. I do not speak spanish so I did the best with these to come up with the intent. 
> 
> _Se siente como si nunca pudiera dejarte ir. _ \- It feels like I could never let you go
> 
> _Te llamó polvo de estrellas pero eso está mal. Tu no parpadea y se desvanece. Estás ardiendo y cegando, el corazón de un sol._ \- He called you stardust but that is wrong. You do not flicker and fade. You are burning and blinding, the heart of a sun.  
  
_No hay nada que quiera más. _ \- There is nothing I want more.


	3. Chapter 3

Her back hit the too firm mattress on the bunk, knocking a bit of the wind from her lungs. Cassian caught himself just enough to take some of his weight and his resigned expression morphed into surprise when he saw her laugh.

The corner of his mouth quirked up as he shifted his weight further over her and Jyn tried to suppress the hitch in her breath when he slotted a thigh between hers. He leaned down and kissed her again, one arm snaking around her back and the other stroking from her waist to her ribs before moving back down again.

She unwound her hands from his shirt and flattened her palms to feel along the lean lines of his chest.

_Blaster wound from Krennic,_ she thought bitterly as she ran over the raised bit of flesh near his flank but quickly shoved the man in white from her mind. He didn't belong here.

Cassian shivered when she reached his lower back over where she knew the thin white lines that marked his spinal surgeries lay.

She'd never really gotten to do this before, a slow, comfortable exploration with a partner. Most of her sexual experiences had been fairly, well, 'hurried', if she had to choose a word. She rarely liked both the look and personality of a man enough to take her time. And the few times she did, she certainly didn't trust him to any extent to let down her guard.

But this was Cassian.

Tugging the back of his tunic free from his trousers, she slid her hand under both it and his undershirt, flattening her palms over his heated skin. His chest rumbled with a low groan when she pressed down, pulling his hips against hers.

"Sueño contigo, así, en mi cama."

The velvet of his voice murmured against her lips was like petrol on flame and she was struck with a sudden answer to a prior question. He swore he wouldn't go further than touching her and he honestly seemed fairly content to just continue to drive her mad but if he asked... oh, if he asked...

His weight shifted upward and his teeth closed around her earlobe, the movement causing his knee to exert more pressure between her legs and shot of pleasure rolled through Jyn, her thighs tightening around him. Though she tried to suppress it, a brief, low moan had Cassian going completely still above her, his shuddering breath in her ear, and his chest heaving.

She felt her face heat in embarrassment. She had sounded wanton, she sounded needy and her sudden self-consciousness made her want to pull away.

But the hand that had been ghosting up her side moved down, the flat of his palm wrapping around the jut of her hip in a tight grip. After a moment of hesitation, he guided her up and then down against him, intensifying the friction where the seam of her pants fell just right. The warmth in her belly swirled and coalesced as Cassian's mouth went back to her neck, almost vicious in his attentions, and an invisible cord formed between her abdomen and where his teeth bruised her skin.

Her back arched to increase the pressure, and her head fell back onto the pillow as her hips started to involuntarily twitch. She felt her soul was alight and expanding, far too large for the body it was contained within and she breathed in, holding it until it was just shy of painful.

A part of her watched from a corner in her mind, disbelieving that she was actually going to grind herself to completion against Cassian Andor's thigh... who, if she was not mistaken by the bruising grip he had on her, was very into the idea.

"Quiero verte, mi alma."

There was something about the quiet growl of his voice against the delicate skin at the top of her breast that sent her over the edge, her eyes closing and abdomen flexing to curl her up into his body with a quiet sob. His mouth covered hers, sweetening the primal feeling coursing through her and he maneuvered over her body more fully, hands sliding under her shoulders and up her back to thread into her hair. She should have felt trapped, being so thoroughly surrounded by a man and pinned down, but instead, it was quite the opposite, like being shielded in a moment of extreme vulnerability. Her hands twined in his hair as she came down from the high, deepening the kiss into something slower, languid.

It was a conversation all of its own between them, an exchange of hopes and fears and promises. Her heart clenched painfully in her chest and she keened with a desperation she had not been prepared for, her fingers flexing in his hair as tears gathered under her closed lids.

His thumbs caressed either side of her neck before pulling away to look at her, his eyes clearer than she had seen them since her return to the ship. She was suddenly struck with a feeling like when one misjudges a step and falls a short distance, a rush of something close to dread but brighter.

He came back for her on Jeddah, dragging her through crumbling catacombs. He came back for her on Eadu, through bombs and blaster fire though her usefulness as an asset had been spent. He climbed twelve stories with a broken back to put a blaster bolt through the monster that haunted her dreams since she was a child and held her when they thought they were going to die.

_Trust in the_ _Force._

He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to hers.

"No puedo volver, no después de esto," he murmured and she could see the bob of his Adam's apple before he lifted his head. "Jyn..."

His eyes burned again, but his time it was with something as deep and old as the stars themselves.

_Kriff._

She opened her mouth to speak but then there was the booming sound of Kay's fist against the door, the droid's approximation of a knock.

"Draven is requesting your report straight away, along with the data," he shouted through the durasteel. "Surely you've had enough time to become coherent again. He is waiting on the comm."

Jyn watched as Cassian's expression flashed to guilt before it hid behind the flat mask and he pushed off of her. "Shavit," he muttered, tucking in his shirt and smoothing down his hair from where she wrecked it as best he could with his hands. She thought about offering to give the briefing for him but as he was the superior officer, to do so would only invite more questions and she had the distinct impression that the whole Bliss part of the operation would be glossed over, if it was mentioned at all. Lifting herself from the bunk, she straightened her own clothing.

He reached for the door control before he paused, looking back at her as if he was going to say something but she interrupted.

"Go! We don't know how much time until you get all... you know...again"

He nodded and punched control, marching out to the comm room, Jyn on his heels. Kay was waiting and after a glance at Cassian, stared hard at Jyn who met the look with an equally hard glare before taking a position against the wall where she would be out of Draven's sight but still able to keep an eye on Cassian.

His shoulders lifted and dropped until vertebrae by vertebrae, he straightened and it was Intelligence Officer Captain Andor who reached out to connect the comm.

Bodhi sidled up to her once the briefing was underway, lightly nudging her shoulder with his elbow.

"So," he said under his breath, just loud enough for her to hear, "everything alright?"

Jyn bit the inside of her cheek before speaking through clenched teeth. "Yes."

He nodded slowly for a few beats. "And you're sure you're okay with this? You don't have to do anything just because he's too stubborn to get some help."

Jyn sighed, her eyes closing though she forced her voice to remain patient. "Yes, Bodhi. I know."

He nodded more firmly this time. "Okay, good. I'd say for you to tell me if he does anything I need to punch him for, but you'd do a much better job of it than me."

His face, when she looked up at him, was embarrassed but sincere and she had no doubt that he would at least try to punch Cassian if she asked him to, regardless of how successful he thought he would be at the endeavor. The thought made her smile and she nudged him back before returning her attention to Cassian who was transmitting the contents of the data stick.

"After retrieval, K2, Sgt. Erso, and myself became separated by opposing forces but were fortunate enough to escape with minor injuries. We were able to reconvene with Pilot Rook well within the allotted time."

He was standing at parade rest, though his fist was clenched tightly behind his back, his knuckles blanching white.

Draven's square jaw jerked down in approval. "Good work. I'll expect a more detailed report upon your arrival to base."

With a salute from Cassian, the holo flickered away and Bodhi pushed off the wall, bumping Jyn's shoulder one last time before returning to the pilot's seat.

Cassian's shoulders drooped and when he turned around, Jyn could see the fatigue creeping around his eyes.

_He's been awake for nearly two days and his body is being put through the ringer with temperature fluctuations and high heart rates._

_"_Come on," she said, jerking her head back towards the bunk. "You need to sleep."

"I don't know if it'll let me."

"Still, you should try." She tugged at his sleeve and he followed, detouring into the fresher while Jyn slipped into the bunk, leaving space for him. He exited a few minutes later in a shirt and boxers and Jyn felt that surge of excited anxiety again. Fatigue was still overcoming the effect of the Bliss but his sleepy stumble towards the bed to join her somehow felt more intimate than anything else they had done that night.

He settled in on his side, mirroring her as they looked at each other in the dark.

"Jyn," he said and took a deep breath.

"Sleep, Cassian."

His answering sigh ghosted over her hair and the bed shifted, his arm reaching out and pulling her to him. She went willingly, her cheek resting on his chest and she tried not to think of tomorrow and all the complications it would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry. The Bliss ain't done with them yet.
> 
> __________________________________________  
_Sueño contigo, así, en mi cama._ \- I dream of you, like this, in my bed.  
_Quiero verte, mi alma._ \- I want to see you, my soul.  
_No puedo volver, no después de esto._ \- I can't go back, not after this.  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We do earn our Explicit rating here, just FYI. You guys have been wonderful and have given lots of lovely feedback and encouragement. I hope this makes you happy and meets expectations.

Jyn shifted in the tight space of the bunk as she slowly woke, her feet kicking at the covers to push them off. The air was stifling, the heat making the small hairs on the back of her neck uncomfortably damp and she lifted a hand to twist her hair up and away when she suddenly remembered... Cassian.

Cassian, whose chest she'd been using as a pillow. Cassian, who had been fighting through the effects of Bliss for the better part of the last twenty-four hours. And Cassian, who was burning up right beside her.

She reached for his face in the dark, her fingers touching his temples and brushing the damp hair from his forehead.

"Cassian? I need you to wake up."

His eyes fluttered open and closed a few times, each time slow and heavy. Jyn cupped his face in her hands and leaned closer so he could better see her and was gratified when he seemed to focus.

"Cassian? What's wrong? What do you need?"

He muttered a string of unintelligible words in Festian before his eyes closed again.

"No, no, Cassian-" she bit off a frustrated growl before crawling over him and off the bunk.

_He's so fevered, he's delirious._

She recalled her survival training with the Partisans and went to the fresher to switch the setting from sonic to water, sighing with relief to see the tanks were full.

Weather extremes and the effect they had on one's body were common foes for people who were constantly on the move and always short on resources. When a fellow soldier would catch heatstroke from lugging their gear in desert climates, they had to strip them down and cover them with a fine layer of water and increase airflow to allow for evaporative cooling to drop their core temperature. Though the mechanism of the cause wasn't the same, she was confident the treatment would be no less effective.

Switching the air controls on high, she returned to Cassian and shoved the blankets away before leaning down again.

"Cassian!"

This time he startled, shaking his head as if to clear it and she twisted one hand into his shirt while the other gripped his chin.

"I need you to get up. Do you understand?"

She saw a brief flash of recognition before she felt him try to sit up, the movement causing him to sway, but Jen already had a hold on him and used the momentum to pull him to his feet. She slung his arm over her shoulder and pulled him into the fresher, and propped him up in the stall to squeeze in with him.

"Shirt," she said tugging at the hem of his clothes and frowned when he just stared blankly in return. "Fine. We'll get your temperature down first." She considered stepping out but was afraid he would collapse any moment without her there to support him, so she just braced herself and turned on the spigot to the coldest setting.

His reaction was immediate, a lurch sideways to get out of the freezing spray but Jyn was ready and boxed him in, her own breaths no more than a gasp under the icy deluge.

"What the fuck, Jyn!"

But his bewildered coherency made her grin in spite of her chattering teeth. "Welcome back, Captain."

He blinked through the water in his eyes and it was quite remarkable to watch his memories of the past day play over his features. She waited patiently with one brow raised until his mouth parted in quiet realization and they made eye contact.

"You were burning up and weren't really responding when I tried to wake you," she explained as she reached around him to turn off the water. "I had to get your temperature down."

"Well, mission accomplished," he grumbled, reaching up to push the water from his hair and jumped when he felt her hands on the hem of his shirt.

"Not quite yet. Shirt," she said as if that was all the explanation needed and his head tilted as he regarded her for a second before stretching his arm up to grip the wet fabric and pull it over his head.

It hadn't occurred to Jyn until he was midway through the movement, his face hidden behind the dark tee, that she'd never seen him in this state of undress before. Sure, she'd curled up on a chair in the medbay next to his bed after Scarif while he'd been covered in a flimsy gown but she honestly could not recall any details of his body besides the bruises and lacerations, all of which she watched intensely for the first sign of infection.

But now as her legs brushed his in the tight confines of the sonic stall, she found herself staring directly into his chest while small drops of water cascaded from his shoulders down to follow the lines of his wiry definition. Her head lifted when she realized she'd been staring to see him watching her, the fevered sheen to his eyes dimmed but not gone.

Jyn cleared her throat and willed her voice into normality. "You'll have to air dry for the evaporative cooling to work."

He hummed an understanding and she went to move when his hand reached out, his fingers resting over the hem of her top where it clung to her skin.

"Shirt?" he said quietly, one brow raised in question. A brief stab of self-consciousness twinged in her chest. Jyn was not unaware that among humanoids, her face was considered pleasing and figure well proportioned nor was she blind to the appreciative looks she sometimes received back at the rebel base. But beneath her clothes there was a litany of scars and burns that usually inspired shock rather than desire and the fresher's bright lighting was unlikely to do her any favors.

His thumb brushed her skin at the small gap between her shirt and pants but he didn't push further, and instead just watched quietly as she considered. Part of her wanted him to know, though, wanted to continue to build this bridge of intimacy that was forming between them.

Her eyes closed as she crossed her arms to grab her shirt and she felt his hand fall away when she lifted upward. The wet fabric was dropped to the floor and, making a decision in the next half-second, Jyn unbuttoned her soaked pants and slid them down her thighs to kick them off as well. Her blood roared in her ears as she just stared forward into Cassian's chest, now clad in nothing but her necklace, a breast band, and her underwear.

She watched his ribs expand in a long, slow pull before he released it and she wondered what he saw when he looked at her, pale and scarred, damp and disheveled. His hand extended again, one long finger crooking to brush the back of his knuckle along a thick white line over one of her lower ribs.

"Serrated knife?" he asked, his voice sounding gruff in the small space, and she nodded, suppressing a shudder though her muscles still twitched under his touch. "How old were you?"

"Fourteen."

His knuckle trailed to the stellate one on her other side, just slightly lower and toward her flank. "Shrapnel?"

"Pipe bomb with too short a fuse. Would only place any I made myself from then on."

His eyes flicked up to hers in expectation.

"Twelve," she answered.

His hand moved to the shiny skin on the right side of her lower abdomen, his brow furrowing and head tilting to try to get a better look.

"Appendix," she explained, smirking. "Four."

Her hair stirred when he huffed out a short laugh before bringing his touch up again, this time resting his crooked finger at the lower edge of her breast band where a burn peered out, the majority of the old wound concealed underneath.

He had moved closer during his exploration, his upper body nearly curling over hers while he waited for her answer. She opened her mouth to reply but then stopped. What she did next, she told herself, was so he could see the extent of it but the truth was his gaze made her feel warm though her skin was chilled, and she found herself wanting to give something without his asking. Though the Bliss had demolished Cassian's control, he wasn't the only one with desire, not the only one wanting more, and he deserved to know.

So, she reached up and untucked the end that secured the band, the whole thing unfurling and falling like a ribbon.

Though he had been still before, he was like stone for the space of a breath as the band joined the rest of their discarded clothes. Her crystal warmed where it fell between her breasts, the skin around it pebbling and she could hear Cassian swallow above her. His hand returned to the burn, this time the pads of his fingers pressing lightly against it.

"Stun baton. Nineteen," she replied, her voice breathy and high to her ears.

The touch against her sternum trailed upward, skimming past the crystal, over her collarbone, and along her neck before coming to a stop at her temple. The scar there was so small she barely noticed it anymore, just a faint white line that disappeared into her hair. But the motion had pulled her chin upward to where Cassian was watching her, his face so close she had to angle her head.

"Scarif," she whispered. "Twent-"

Her words broke off as his lips descended on hers, his fingers sliding through her hair while his other hand pulled their bodies flush, a groan she could feel all the way to her toes passing from him to her when her breasts pressed to his naked chest. Her senses were in overload. The chill of the air, the heat of his skin, the pleasured pain where he grasped at her, the warm slide of his tongue against into her mouth, and the feeling of his arousal where it was now pressed into her belly... it was all too much and not enough and her insides clenched and fluttered, protesting the emptiness.

She broke away with a gasp, her hands pushing back against his chest.

"We can't fuck in here. Too small."

His fingers spasmed against her skin and his eyes closed as a pained grunt emanated from low in his throat. "Jyn, I need you to be sure this is what you want," he rasped.

Still breathing hard, she disentangled herself from his arms, sliding away to tug him back out into the main room. He stumbled after her, dazed, and she turned when she was at the edge of their small bed to see him halfway to her and waiting, she supposed, for permission.

He was beautiful, his chest heaving and eyes watching with unbanked desire, and she felt that same desperation from earlier swell up within her again.

_All things end. But please, let me keep this._

She shimmied out of her underwear, grateful that she did not lose her balance or stumble, and straightened. His gaze followed the lines of her body, his jaw flexing when it paused at the apex of her thighs before continuing down her legs to take a long path up again.

"Eres, con mucho, la cosa más peligrosa que he encontrado en la galaxia. Ni el imperio ni este trabajo podrían quebrarme," he murmured as he stepped into her space, his hand reaching up to rest against her cheek. "Pero creo que podrías."

He kissed her like he did the first time, solid and warm, and it felt like being grounded, her place in the universe solid and clear. Her hands rested at the waist of his boxers before pushing them down and she felt him spring loose to brush against her abdomen. A new wave of desire crashed over her and she pushed up on her toes to deepen the kiss, pouring herself into the act, hoping he would understand even a fraction of what she was feeling.

His body shuddered against her and he broke away, his face falling into her neck as he gripped her bottom with one hand to pull them more tightly together and the other wrapped around her back in a fierce embrace. His muscles quivered, all the tension of a coiled spring, vibrating under her touch.

"Am I sure?" she rasped in his ear and ran her teeth over his ear lobe before speaking again. "You are the _only_ thing in this entire kriffin' galaxy I'm sure of, Cassian."

"I want you," he growled before pushing her onto the bed and crawling over her while she shifted back. "Siempre te he deseado," he murmured against her lips as he settled himself between her thighs. "Creo que siempre lo haré."

His fingers reached down between them but she batted them away and shifted her hips so that he slid along her wetness. "I assure you I am more than ready."

His breathless chuckle was cut off when she did it again, the elbows that supported his weight trembling for a moment before he shifted, and this time, pushed forward. Jyn's eyes rolled back at the delicious stretch, that feeling of emptiness finally abating, and she grabbed his hips to pull him deeper until he was fully sheathed. Her chest rose in a contented sigh, her breasts brushing against him as she relaxed into the sensation.

"_Fuck,_" she felt him say against her hair, the word coming out like a long hiss, his body still except for the hands that roamed along her sides. But then he was moving, a steady pace that had her rocking against the mattress while he whispered a steady stream of melodic words against her temple, her lips, her neck. Her own fingers carded through his hair, the soft strands easily allowing her passage before running over his stubble to pull him back to her mouth. 

She supposed this was inevitable, thinking back throughout their time together, the way they seemed to swing around one another, pulling them towards and then away, their momentum steadily shrinking in their orbits until they crashed. At first, she thought it was just fascination, then chalked it up to physical chemistry, but now this thing between them felt like so much more and a balm to her fractured spirit.

She clenched around him, enjoying the long slow drag of his cock against her inner walls, and smirked when she felt his pace falter, then slow before he pressed deep and firm back into her. His hand caressed from her hip, down to her knee where he tugged in encouragement to wrap it around his waist.

"The other one too, mi alma," he murmured as he kissed along her jaw and she did as he asked. The angle allowed him to push even deeper and she inhaled sharply, feeling him solidly within the core of her body, and clenched again at the new and unexpected sensation, trying to increase it. He withdrew and she immediately missed him, the emptiness returning tenfold as her hips squirmed to seek him out. But then, when she was just shy of asking, he pressed in again, a quick thrust before again holding himself against her.

Now sensitized, she gasped when he bottomed out, pleasure making her stomach muscles pull in and she squeezed, her hips grinding to rub him against that place deep inside her. Her nails ran from down his neck and back as she sighed against the shell of his ear, trying to convey what her body wanted. His breath was shaky against her collar bone and he pushed his hips back sharply with a gasp, not quite withdrawing completely and she let out a frustrated growl before trying to pull him back in with her heels.

"For Force sake, Jyn, stop moving for a second."

The desperation in his voice stilled her restless movements and she looked up at him. His hair was mused, eyes tightly shut and mouth pressed together in concentration, then after the longest ten seconds of her life, his face relaxed and he leaned over her again, his hands cupping her ass and lifting before he thrust back in.

She saw stars this time, her body curling from the sensation and her hips rolled in a repeating wave as she fucked herself against him, lost to sensation and need while he stayed buried in her body. Jyn swore she could feel every ridge, every curve to him within her, a firm heat that was driving her mad.

The next pullback was briefer than before and this time he drew in his legs before he pushed himself up, rocking back on his knees to sit up. His hands ran down her sides to wrap around her hips. Sliding her with him, he snapped back in and leaned over, his mouth finding her breast to roll a nipple with his tongue.

Her whole body was like a strung wire, twisting tighter every time he re-entered, each intrusion making her body more sensitive than the last. His mouth on her skin, his body over and in her, he was the center of the universe at that moment, all that she revolved around.

She whimpered when she felt him flex within her, a pulse that had her biting her lip and fingers digging into the sheets. When she opened her eyes, he had pulled straight to watch her, and without breaking eye contact, withdrew himself. Already she could feel the emptiness needing to be filled, her leg muscles tensing to pull him back.

"Cassian...Please."

His lips parted, his tongue darting out to wet the lower one, and he pressed tortuously slow back into her, his gip on her hips near bruising. He held her on him as her hips circled, chasing the building pleasure while his eyes roamed, taking in the soft jiggle of her breasts, her undulating hips, and the flush of her face. He twitched inside her again and she ground harder, drawing a sharp curse from overhead. One of his hands left her hips to brush against her clit and she bit down hard on her lip to keep from crying out, her thighs tensing. The next time he withdrew, he brushed lightly over the bundle of nerves, the need for him to be back inside her overwhelming and she let out a frustrated moan, clenching repeatedly, uselessly around nothing. But then he slammed back in, his palm pressing down on her clit when buried, once again striking that sensitive spot.

And the wire snapped.

Cassian grunted when her back arched but kept himself firmly within her as she rippled around him though he did collapse forward, his forehead to her clavicle.

"Joder, puedo sentir todo," he murmured into her shoulder, waiting patiently for her to finish before he started to pound wildly into her, his own hoarse shout muffled into her chest. Jyn lay there, Cassian's head on her breast while she blinked up at the grey ceiling, stunned and at a loss for words.

This entire experience had been full of firsts. She hadn't known it was possible to kiss like they had, felt what she had, and certainly hadn't known sex could be like _that. _It was almost frightening how far removed she had been from herself, instead only focused on Cassian and the effect he had on her body. 

She felt him stir to tilt his face up to her, a small, shy smile turning him, unfairly, even more handsome.

_I think I love you._

He lifted himself up back over her, almost cautiously before their lips met in a small series of gentle kisses before he reached under the bunk to grab his pack to take out some boxers and a shirt. She almost reminded him her own clothes were in her pack near the desk but decided he already knew that and took the shirt anyway when he offered. They laid down side by side both, shoulders touching and staring forward, both processing what had just happened.

Things would be different now and Jyn let out a shaky breath when the intensity of it all threatened to overwhelm her.

"Come here."

Cassian tugged on her wrist and she rolled over, wrapping herself around his torso and middle, listening to the calm, steady beat of his heart until sleep claimed her, though she thought she might have heard Cassian speak just as she started to fade.

_"Creo que te amo."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Eres, con mucho, la cosa más peligrosa que he encontrado en la galaxia. Ni el imperio ni este trabajo podrían quebrarme. Pero creo que podrías._ \- You are by far the most dangerous thing I have found in the galaxy. Neither the empire nor my work could break me.... But I think you might.
> 
> _Siempre te he deseado. Creo que siempre lo haré._\- I always have. I think I always will.
> 
> _Joder, puedo sentir todo. _\- Fuck, I can feel everything.
> 
> _Creo que te amo. _\- I think I love you.  



	5. Chapter 5

Cassian blinked into the darkness, wincing at the dull throb in his head and somewhat marveling at the fact that he could practically hear his eyelids open and close.

_Force, what happened?_

He did a quick assessment of his situation, relaxing when he registered he was not wearing any restraints to indicate capture. He went to sit up and froze, his sluggish brain suddenly aware of a soft weight on his lower chest and abdomen.

And then he remembered.

...soft kisses along his jaw that he could still feel the imprint of...

...the gentle rasp of fingers sliding through silky strands of brown hair...

...his name whispered with a lilt of a Coruscanti accent, "Cassian... Please"...

Jyn, naked and beautiful, laid out before him, her body moving in a slow, sensual wave...

Her chest flush and body taut as she came, full lips parted in a near-silent moan...

Bliss.

_Karking. Fucking. Hells._

Trying to tamp down the strange panic that was spreading tendrils throughout him, he glanced down at the woman, taking in the white shirt that covered her form.

His shirt, the one he gave her, after...

The sight of her in his clothes combined with the memories struck him with such an intense rush of affection, arousal, and longing, his next breath came in a quiet, serrated gasp.

Jyn. He knew nearly everything about her and yet she still felt like a mystery to him, a whirlwind of ever growing contradictions barely contained within her diminutive frame.

Wild yet methodical; ruthless yet kind; impossible to read until she was in your face, her every thought pouring through her eyes.

And then, there was the other _thing_, the cord strung between them the day they met and strummed on Jedha, it resonated down to his bones every time he looked at her. He had been the ideal intelligence officer before that mission. A lone operative and practical zealot to the cause, he could go anywhere and do anything that the Rebellion needed. There were no ties, no attachments save for his droid companion, who was more likely by his side than not.

He'd not been afraid of death. He'd been barely alive.

Nothing except the cause had had a hold over him until an angry stranger stole his gun and then brazenly lectured him on trust.

His immediate and intense attachment to Jyn was confusing and unsettling, two decades of training cracking after only two days of their acquaintance, and no amount of logic he (or unhelpfully, Kay) applied gave answers. And maybe it was because he thought he would never survive as the war reached a crescendo, he had not fought against it as they raced across the galaxy to find Saw and her father.

There was a brief time after Scarif where he did, pulling away to avoid Jyn, but Chirrut had found him locked away in a room carved from the ice that acted as his workstation.

No matter how Cassian tried to deflect him, the Guardian set himself right up in the room and proceeded to talk.

_"Tell me, Captain, are you familiar with Jedhan folklore?"_

_"Not re-"_

_"Before the stars were lit, we all resided on a plane of existence beyond this realm, souls created by gods for their entertainment and their whims. But we grew tired of our servitude and the strongest among us rebelled to kill some of the gods. The power of those souls frightened them as they had done what the gods thought impossible, so they cast us all into this universe, an infinite prison, and doomed us to rebirth and death for all eternity."_

_"Charming story, Chirrut, but if you ple-"_

_"But they also exacted a more personal revenge on those stronger souls, ripping them in half and flinging their parts to the far reaches of the galaxy. They wanted them to always suffer, to always feel the phantom of something essential lost. But every so often, every few lifetimes, a soul meets it's other half and is once again whole, if only for a little while."_

_Cassian's body stiffened as he registered the words and he slowly turned to face the blind guardian._

_"This is not something to be feared, Captain. Together, you have killed gods."_

The monk had smiled at him enigmatically before leaving Cassian to stare dumbly into his just vacated space.

That evening, Cassian had requested a meeting with Draven and the small division in intelligence made up of the Rogue One survivors was created. But while he accepted the concept of 'stronger together', he never expected _this._

Thought about, yes. Dreamed of, nearly nightly. But already, the thought of losing Jyn made his throat go tight and breath come up short and he feared further entangling the snarl of his emotions.

And what's more, friends tended to stay friends. Lovers quarreled. Lovers broke up. Lovers _left_.

His train of thought shut off as Jyn stirred, her body shifting to nuzzle her cheek into his chest and Cassian felt a pang in his chest at the sight, certain of its rarity. So few people knew Jyn could be soft and affectionate and Cassian held on to every moment she gave him. Touch starved, he tried his best to reciprocate but usually only managed to stand in her personal space, her shoulder against his arm or fingers brushing.

_Wasn't an issue last night._

The head on his chest lifted and slowly tilted upward, cautious green eyes blinking up at him. The enormity of it all hit him then... What he had said, what they had done, what this might mean, and Cassian did the only thing he knew how to do when an emotion threatened to overwhelm him.

He let his face go passive and blank.

Jyn's eyes widened for half a second before they narrowed and she scrambled up and off of him, determinedly keeping her back to him as she snatched up her pack.

"Jyn, wait! I'm sorry-" he said, wincing as his headache pulsed with new intensity and cold dread pooled in his stomach.

"You don't need to apologize, Cassian." She yanked up her pants, continuing to stare at the wall. "I know what I agreed to."

"No, that's not-"

The door to the room slid open just as Jyn pulled on her own shirt, discarding his onto the floor, and Cassian turned to glare at the intruder.

"Oh good, you are done fornicating."

"Kay, get out-"

"We have just received a transmission from Chirrut and Baze. They are in need of immediate extraction from their assignment and we are the closest team."

Jyn retrieved her pins from the floor and pulled her hair back into her bun. "How long?"

"One hour."

Cassian nodded. "Alright. Go do the calculations for the jump. We'll be right there."

He grabbed Jyn's sleeve as she tried to move past him, feeling ridiculous in just his boxers under her cool glare.

"We're not done talking about this."

Her chin lifted, green eyes flashing. "We are. For now."

His teeth creaked as he clenched his jaw. He hated leaving it like this, even temporarily, but they needed to focus on getting their teammates back and he gave her a nod, stepping back just enough the door wouldn't catch his fingers as it slid shut.

* * *

Seven extremely long, mostly painful hours later, Cassian found himself on the other side of that very same door, his palm hovering over the control panel before he pressed down.

Jyn was once again shirtless but in her breastband and almost comically turning in a circle trying to place a bacta patch over-

"You're shot."

Her head snapped up. "Just a graze," she replied a touch defensively while refusing to meet his eyes. "I would have told you if it would have done any real damage."

He frowned but approached when she continued to unsuccessfully contort herself. "Give it to me. Did you clean it yet?"

"No," she grumbled, tossing the patch onto the table.

He grabbed the open medkit and jerked his head for her to turn around. Their eyes met briefly before she relented, and turned, planting her palms on the table to lean forward and give him better access. His heart rate jumped as he took in the expanse of bare skin of her back, recalling how his hands had clutched at it, but sobered when he took in the burn high on her flank. He removed the antiseptic from the packet and pressed it to her skin, muttering an apology when she hissed from the sting.

"How's Baze?" she asked through clenched teeth and Cassian suspected that, while genuinely concerned for their friend, she was also trying to distract herself.

"No major damage. He should wake soon."

"I can't believe he threw himself on a concussive grenade."

"I'm glad he did. It would have disoriented all of us and that place would have been impossible to get out of without a functioning vestibular system. "

"Kay could have gotten us out."

"If one of us didn't accidentally shoot him while suffering with severe vertigo."

She hummed a reluctant agreement to his point and fell silent once again, her chin down and her back bowed. He tossed the soiled antiseptic cloth into the bin and reached around her to grab the discarded bacta patch, his fingers brushing hers. He watched her body language, trying to get a clue as to how she might respond. Her eyes closed and her ribs expanded when he pressed the bacta patch in place, his free hand resting lightly at the small of her back.

She didn't move when he finished, nor did he pull his hand away.

"Jyn, I want to talk about what happened."

His words seemed to startle her into motion and she straightened, snatching her shirt and pulling it almost violently over her head though she remained facing away from him.

"So talk."

He thought about asking her if she regretted it, if she was angry with him, but he knew instinctively those would be the wrong questions... he shouldn't be asking questions at all.

"I know you didn't understand a lot of what I said in here last night," he started, his throat feeling dry as he fought his instincts to bury this compulsion for her and hide it away where it could not hurt him. "But I meant it. I meant it all."

Her posture softened infinitesimally and she glanced at him over her shoulder, waiting.

_We'll take the next chance. And the next. On and on until we win... or the chances are spent._

"There's nothing I told you that I hadn't thought before," he swallowed. "And there's nothing we did that I hadn't wanted to do. My only regret would be if I upset or hurt you in any way. That is the last thing I want."

Jyn's shoulders rose then fell, her eyes scrunching closed. "I don't regret it."

He let out the breath he had been holding and tentatively touched his fingers to her waist, encouraged when she did not pull away. "But you're upset?"

"When you... looked at me like that this morning, distant and unaffected, I thought..." she trailed off and shrugged. "I thought you would just pretend it never happened."

He leaned in, sliding his hand around her waist and pressed his face into the hair at the back of her head. "I couldn't do that if I tried, Jyn."

She turned in his arms to face him, her eyes searching. "I don't know how to do this, Cassian."

He nodded his understanding. Their lives had never allowed for something like this before. "I know. Me neither." He lifted one corner of his mouth in a self-deprecating smile. "But we are both very emotionally well-rounded individuals. I'm sure we'll figure it out," he said dryly as one of his fingers mindlessly drew circles on her back.

"With our shuttle loads of healthy coping mechanisms? I'm sure we won't have any issues," she agreed, trying for equally dry and failing, as the corner of her mouth twitched.

He chuckled before his amused expression faded to something more serious and almost imploring. "When it gets difficult, when I screw up, don't run from me. Talk to me first, please."

She wetted her lips and nodded before making a request of her own. "Don't use that dead-eyed spy face with me anymore. It shuts me out and I hate it."

"Okay." He lifted a hand to brush away a haphazard lock of hair that fell from her hastily done bun, his heart twisting almost painfully. He hoped Chirrut was right, that every few lifetimes he would find her again. But for now, in this one...

He spent his whole life fighting for the Rebellion. And now, for the first time, he would fight for something for himself.

"One day, will you tell me the things you said to me last night?" she asked, glancing up at him through her lashes.

"One day," he agreed quietly.


End file.
